Due to the recent changes in the health and safety law we have reassessed this year’s Christmas party. In order to meet our obligations the following will be the case:
1. To minimise the risk of accidents occurring whilst you travel to and from the venue we are going to skype this year’s Christmas party. Accordingly at 8.00 p.m. you are all invited to log on from the comfort and safety of your living room and enjoy the party.
2. We strongly advise against groups of people getting together to skype. There are a number of rules if anyone chooses to be with anyone else from the office whilst you are skyping from home:
2.1. There is absolutely not to be alcohol.
2.2. There are not to be any peanuts unless we are provided with a certified copy of a first aid course undertaken by each person at the gathering that shows they are proficient in the Heimlich manoeuvre. Due to the possibility of undiagnosed allergies to peanuts and peanut products we strongly advise there be an epi pen available in case of anaphylactic shock.
2.3. We strongly advise against speaking to each other. We have found that as the year progresses people have become significantly more hateful towards each other. If people do not have any verbal contact this will minimise the possibility of workplace bullying and harassment. We are hopeful that this will avoid episodes like the punch up that occurred in the ladies toilets at last year’s Christmas party.
2.4. We also strongly advise against looking at each other in any way that may be seen as being sexually inappropriate (hence the ban against alcohol). Please remember whilst on Skype not to act in any way that may be seen as being sexually suggestive.
3. If you chose to skype alone (which is our strong recommendation) there are a number of rules for skypees:
3.1. Again please no alcohol.
3.2. Please be careful of what you chose to eat. To fulfil our obligations under the health and safety legislation each of you will be given a catered gift box of things that you may wish to eat/drink whilst skyping:
3.2.1. Moolied (for those of you who have not had old sick people this is where you mush everything up) food to further minimise the chance of choking. We have prepared a carton of organic vegetables with no salt or sugar, with a delish chaser of kiwifruit to ensure that there are no constipatory issues arising out of the work do catering.
3.2.2. A song sheet will be provided that we can all join in via skype. These songs have been carefully chosen to ensure there are no references that could offend anyone in our business or anyone outside our business that might happen to be in any of your houses whilst you are skyping (we really would prefer you not to have other people present when you are skyping in case anything offensive occurs that upsets them that in turn may lead to a health and safety prosecution against us. We are very concerned about the possible ongoing consequences of this legislation.) Again no alcohol.
3.2.3. Just so you can start practising we have organised for Mitchell to learn on the ukulele the following songs and it will be jolly good fun that we all join in. Please note none of the songs will have any religious connotation, sexual connotations or violent connotations:
220.127.116.11. You are my sunshine (no sorry scrap that - appears to have an overtone of stalking).
18.104.22.168. Michael Row the boat Ashore (no again – has sexist overtones suggesting that the man is rowing and not the woman).
22.214.171.124. Kumbayah (no sorry that’s got God in it).
126.96.36.199. John Lennon’s classic Happy Christmas War is Over (wait no, can’t have war, far too violent).
On second thoughts - Mitchell, we will not sing.
4. Anyway people we really look forward to a fantastic Christmas party this year. The CEO’s speech will be at 8.15 p.m. which is currently being checked by our external lawyer to ensure for health and safety compliance. If the speech lasts until 8.30 p.m. we are going to allow until 9.00 o’clock before we shut down the skype session. We are confident that nothing can happen in that further 30 minutes that will lead to prosecution.
5. Final word – if anyone chooses to do anything after the skype session finishes that is completely out of our control and you should have your own health and safety procedures and insurance.