Unfortunately a parent's perception of these terms does cause misunderstandings and unnecessary litigation over the care arrangements for children.
We hope that the information contained here might help you avoid some of the possible difficulties in the care arrangements for your children. Please note that for simplicity we have referred to a child, meaning child or children in each case.
DO talk with your child’s other parent about what kind of care or access arrangement will best suit your child and you both. It may be something regular (for example, every second weekend) or something more irregular. Be realistic in your expectations. Remember that the arrangements might need to change as your child’s needs change.
DO encourage your child to think of their parents homes as “Mum’s house” and “Dad’s house”. Your children are now being brought up in two homes.
DO think about including additional time for contact, such as a weeknight meal if you usually only see your child in the weekend.
DO stick to the arrangements and turn up on time as agreed. Remember that cancelling the contact at the last minute, turning up late or not at all will disappoint your child first and foremost.
DO expect that care arrangements may need to be reviewed and changed from time to time. There will need to be some flexibility because of your child’s changing needs.
DO make your time with your child quality time – time to talk, play and do ordinary things. There shouldn’t always be special treats. The time with you is the most important and special treats if given regularly will create an expectation.
DO stick to the same ground rules for each home that your child lives in for example similar bedtimes and similar behavioural expectations. This will make it easier for your child to move between their two homes.
DO think about giving your child a calendar that they can mark access times on – this is particularly good with older children. This way they can also think about what they want to do with the time that they spend with each parent and when they are not with either parent – for example school sports and time with other friends.
DO communicate with the other parent directly, not through the children. If speaking to each other is difficult then some clients have found e-mail handy. Another idea is to have a night book that goes back and forth in the child’s bag and each parent writes notes in it. This is particularly useful if a child has been unwell and is on medication that needs to be taken at particular times.
DON’T discuss adult issues or problems with your child or in front of your child.
DO expect that your child’s behaviour or emotions might be different at changeover times. Remember that it is difficult for them to say goodbye and to move back and forth between your home. But this doesn’t mean access should stop rather, it means that you should try and make the changeover as easy for your child as you can.
And if all else fails DO contact us for more advice on how to get the best out of your time with your child.
John Flaus is the partner in charge of Preston Russell Law's family law team. Contact him by clicking here
